May 3, 2018

Functioning

I am better now.
Just had to admit to myself that you cant expect too much from people and that bright moments can never be transferred as prolonged periods of happiness. Life sucks. Lets move on.
Gonna try to do what is the best for my preservation. Gonna try to dismantle this insanity so that one day I will be able to feel relieved if I survive this extremely expensive failure. Expensive in every regard.
Money and power rocks the world. Try to never be in position that you are too much relying on someone my nonexistent reader. There is nothing to learn from me except that.

Armless

How can I cross the bridge if I am not allowed to go over the river ?
How strong and honest I have to be if you want me to lie I will be fine ?
How can I rise when I am keep being judged by the photo where I am drunk with insecurity and poison within me ?
How can I ask forgiveness knowing it will never be granted ?
How can I sleep when my nerves are burning feeling you beside me ?
How can I eat when I cant feel myself ?
How am I still sane after all these nights I cant bear with ? Or am I sane ?
How much more can I doubt myself until I finally collapse within ?
What is true ? Where am I ? Is this really happening ?



Nightmarica

Realized that I love this tiny apartment. I love this shiny floor, love bowls we use to eat, love her make up all around the place, love colour of tiles in the kitchen, love going out in the morning to drink coffee and let her sleep, love seeing her smile when she comes from work and I wait for her in front of the building, love flowers under the bright sun near the cathedral, love how sellers in shops see me as funny foreigner, love how this country doesnt feel like a burden to me,love her little hand in mine,love her eyes that are sparkling and love her above anything I taught I can feel.
And it is all over now.
I will fight for survival till the rest of my life and I will start to hate everything that I love and see precious now. This loss is the failure that I cant bear with.
And she even loves me. But she wants me to go.




May 1, 2018

Dialetheism

Life is not simple. I wanted it to be simple and started believing in it to make it easier to me. It is not easier. It doesn-t prevent me from being hurt.
Life is not simple.
Is dialetheism lot more present than I taught ? Can I embrace it ? Can I get rid of my cemented convictions and step out into wide unknown and face what is there ?
Do I have that ability now ? I just stepped into it, but I can, immediately see that without going through this, the only thing I am actually achieving is  losing my mind.
I am scared. Perceiving that my worst fears are true and vivid, but also complete lie and just me torturing myself, perceiving that the absurd is even bigger that I ever imagined, yet much smaller then it appears, perceiving that I am worthless but that it has nothing to do with reality...
This is war with myself and making peace with myself.
Please dear Lord, in which I don`t believe in, help me on my way.

  

Mar 27, 2018

patrolna parada

24.12.2015. Dbr

to gori
u danu sivom  k'o kiklopa zubi
to proguta drvo i metal i beton
i škripi u vodi u kojoj se gubi

to ždere jetru
u sate koji se u život ne računaju
ti svojom glupošću pokopava zemlju
kad hodam stope mi
                        u prazno propadaju

to stenje i huči
i čini se kao da vječno će trajati
to se ne umara i prestati ne zna
uzalud trudi se
                      kraj ću mu vidjeti

expectans tenebris

21.12.2016.

pas domaćin, naslikane noge,
okusite što nikada niste :
pokusajte uzavrele gliste,
i u gnoju svome domu grobu

mjesto boga, na gredi u svinjcu
sad se klate sise stare kurve :
bezub očaj pao je na grane,-
otjerao zvjerinje i ljude

svi demoni, svi sveci, sve ptice
sakrili se koljenu pod krilo ;
samo mrak je što vrišti u bijesu-
    - mikad stvarno ničeg nije bilo

Mar 26, 2018

U krvi

25.07.2017. ML

kao da ima nešto u ovom tužnom svemiru osim tebe
kao da ima neko svjetlo i sunce
     sem onoga čime me gledaš
kao da bilo šta ima smisla bez tebe
i kao da mogu išta da imam
     dok mi se ne predaš

i kao da osjećam bilo šta sem tvog dodira
kao da nekud idu ljudi koji te ne znaju
kao da postojim kad ne misliš na mene
i bubnjevi tvog srca što u meni lupaju



Male količine dnevnog rumenila

Male količine dnevnog rumenila,
nepovezane misli u potiljku džepa,
vječnost nije presuđena,
ni sumorni dani nisu bez repa.

Ako se ne vidi dalje od srca,
površina kože ne otvara dan,
ako je buđenje vedro,
šta onda uopšte znači loš san ?





Mar 13, 2018

Ispod lišća

10.07.2017. DM

i tad se nasmiješ
tek tad se rodim,
tek tad se umijem i obujem cipele

i krenem kao voz
među zmije i noževe
- jer tvoje drvo drži me


Mar 8, 2018

Mindlessness authonomy

Your courtyard is triangle
with dwarfs and tribunals
Suburban zeal
when we fail at integrity

Applauded for being passive
crucified for unexplode
Eroded into submission
doing what what we have been told




Mar 6, 2018

Achievement of simplicity

Your purpose is your decision, your decision is not willing, your willingness is not controlable.
You are the purpose so the question is needless.
It is what you decide, free from the conditioning and pragmatic mechanical mind.
Your purpose and your freedom - it is you.

I decided to love and enjoy in impossibility that I exist. That makes every new day one more unimaginable victory.




Mar 1, 2018

At the door

there is this riot in prison cells
people need some reminding,
and cars that are running fast
to find place where you're hiding

I was there with my broken arms
as calm as I could be
you know me better than anyone
yet you know nothing about me

and I swear that I heard them shoot
I saw blood dripping from my knee
you know me better than anyone
yet you know nothing about me

and I swear that I heard them say
"this one still wants to believe "
you know me better than anyone
yet you know nothing about me






44

Ja sam ništa nego golub u bodljikavoj žici
posljednje veliko slovo
nedovoljno oguglao na zvuk sirena
smrznuti prsti na vratu violine
ispod zarđalog neba
ja sam ništa nego božiji anđeo
posljednji s kojim se govori
onaj koji mora doći kad se pozove
i svakoga jutra se ponovo začudim
kako to da sam još tu
i kako uopšte mogu se podići
Ja sam ništa nego brod u magli
plamen koji gori
i kad sve drugo se predaje
Ja sam svoj otac, svoj brat i svoj sin
i golub u bodljikavoj žici


Feb 25, 2018

Ursulita Chipesescu

to wake up
out of time and out of places
burning lust and mind that races
coffee under palm tree, and those
beds turned to fit you and me,
to feel
morning with it's snow and pistols
my face falling on your nipples
out of time and out of place
I live only when I kiss your face