Jul 14, 2018

Utjeha

My final answer is - I don`t know.
I know nothing about almost anything, but it is fascinating comfort that learning never stops if you open up yourself to it.
I`m so fragile, yet finding such strength within.
I`m not alone ?

Jul 13, 2018

Memory

Let`s be real.
There are things I simply am aware of, when my mind is thinking clear.
I know that I will always love you. The pain will be reduced over time, there will be days and moments when I will be barely able to cope, but what is in my best interest ? It is to preserve good memory. Therefore I should do my best not to turn this into blaming circus until the time comes when I will leave. I have pretty good idea of why this is so deep and permanent, and that is why I have to be stronger than I am - because ultimately, loving you is also showing respect to myself.
Honestly, there are no lessons to be learned ; all I can do is to preserve little pieces of what will remain and save them from fire that will turn everything else to ashes.
Always knew that there is strong possibility to be with you for 3 months and never see you again. My fears came true.
Though luck Chamango, but keep in mind that the most of the people never had such a deep thing. When I look at it like that, despite all the fights we had, I can only say that I was blessed.
Don`t remember who said it, but it appears true - every love story becomes tragedy : it is just a matter of time.
Wish it lasted a bit longer.
Wish I didn`t disappoint you my love.
Please don`t cry.
I love you.

Jul 12, 2018

Almost fooled you

I almost fooled you into believing that you can rely on one who loves you.
Almost fooled you into believing that it is important to work together, mend our flaws, be kind to each other when everything else seems absurd.
Almost fooled you into trusting me that I do make mistakes, I say things out of anger, but that I can`t hold a grudge or blame you.
Almost fooled you to believe that giving and forgiving is the key to help the person that is near to be your corner stone.
Almost fooled you to believe that we are all human and that people act out of their need to protect themselves.
Almost fooled you to believe that I`m not fake.
Almost fooled you to believe that someone can get to know you and still love you.
Almost fooled you to believe that I`m not the people who hurt you before.
Almost.

barking at the wrong tree

all these lies I believed in
all the grief taken as manipulation
all the fear
why bother
opening yourself to face the cruelty from someone you trusted completely
it is not a matter of justice or deserving
I`m far from any friend
in prison
a stranger
scum
blind and deaf
exploding
To make everyone see ? Even that is a joke
what a clown
I can hate the world for my naivity

Jul 11, 2018

Previously known by my name

Even wiser and stronger people would crumble in my place. So, why do I keep nagging about it like a little bitch ?
I don`t need excuses to help me deal with myself or trying desperately to be something I am not.
Here I am, stripped to my weakness.
We are all alone. Trying to help others not feel that way seems to be fruitless.
I was never afraid before.
So, where can I surrender in order to be shoot ?

Jul 3, 2018

obiljezen

progutaj moju bolest
sad vec jedva dodirujem vodu
onda kad tunel postane bunar
kad grlo gusi se sutanjem

onda kada sve je pocelo
kad niko nije znao za danas
ja bio sam ono sto nikad necu biti
ne lezim u travi i zato sam umoran

Jun 24, 2018

astazi

I can never be an angel you dream of, that rushes up high and makes your sky beaming with all the wonderful colors, making you feel amazed and accepted ; until you appreciate me as poor devil with crushed wings, who is fighting with mud and rain in your cold grave - protecting your soul from complete demise.
That is all I need to say to you.

nobody owns no shit

Except loneliness. Saving your secrets, saving what is inside you from being spoken is your strength. Ofc, you say some, but do not expose. As long as you have your loneliness, you are not destroyed.

And there are regrets. But everything is as it should be. You probably failed in all that is dear to you and you are never anyone`s first choice. Your purpose is to tell the story to the end. Your purpose is to give an example how not to do some things.

It is Sunday. Happy or nearly happy people are having good time out of their homes. I do not want to go anywhere anymore. I just daydream about drowning myself in the lake, without having any real intention of doing it.
Better days will come. I am only afraid of them. They are nothing but a false hope.

I did my best to be funny clown in life and now I am angry because I do not want that role anymore. How screwed up is that ?

I`m not a slave to the god that doesn`t exist.

Kabuto Paputo

All of the problems appear when you wake up. Otherwise they do not come. Obviously, all you need to do is not to wake up and everything will be fine.

You are just a dog and love is nothing more than louses in your fur. No matter how much you scratch or shake, you cannot get them of. You suffer because you are a dog. Tough luck.

Appreciate what is given to you like it is sacred and never forgive what is too much to forgive

Jun 21, 2018

be careful what you wish for

Doves are very rare in my old country. So, whenever I would hear them /mostly when I was on the seaside/ they made me feel `awwww`. And here there is a lot of them. I hear them every day. Damn birds...shut tfu
Nah... I still like them






Jun 20, 2018

sitting duck

It will pass. Say it without opening your mouth.
If past bothers you, remember that all time is one, you are already dead and forgotten and nothing is important.
Just stay out and observe. Everything is peaceful, tender and pleasant when you remember you are already dead.
It will pass.
It does not matter. Killing yourself or keep on pushing, trying or giving up. it is all irrelevant.
It will pass.
Do not let yourself be sad or happy. Stay withing. Be curious.
It will pass.
It already did.


Jun 16, 2018

Your own colours

The knowledge and specially the wisdom is highly subjective and flexible to our own interpretations of reality. Recently I find that many different things, many different stories made by different people from their own background, are saying same things.
The truth is unique, yet universal ; we all see from our own within.
Today I was thinking about the path I made: starting from the point when I realized that my minds are going way too fast for my well-being : meaning - I started to be more and more restless without knowing why- through the process of self re-discovery and slowing down, until finally reaching almost full circle - coming back to face my personality, but this time with awareness of myself. Realized that is basically the same thing as that ~healing your inner child~ , but not as some prayer or mechanism of patching your open wounds, but rather full understanding of yourself.
We need other people to help us remember what we already know, but nobody can be better teacher to you than yourself.


Transgression in perseverance

Nature around us is based on different principles than our moral norms. But deep within we know that what we see as brutality is necessary. Looking the other way does not make us more moral or saint.
Maybe this is why the nature stays the same while most of our actions or beliefs eventually become a caricature of itself.
In the nature, any death is justified with a reason. And that is the main purpose of reasons. If we can stop being terrified by death and our own mortality for a second - we can see how much we exaggerate by emphasizing the importance of reasons.
No need to have reason to exist : you already do.

Two things

1. Every sentence should start with maybe.

2. Pain and fear are coming from the same place, same mechanism that is there to protect us. Nothing wrong with that.


Jun 13, 2018

Anyway

Thanks everyone who finds my nonsense interesting enough to read.
Today my special thanks goes to France, because it appears that, after the obvious ones - USA and Russia - France is the country I get the most readers from.
Anyway, I would like to see more comments on my posts or your direct opinions sent to my mail -  aleksandar6018@com
Trying to make some kind of a strange novel now and I would like to include in that process people who are willing to help with grammar, ideas or simply by encouragement

sincerely yours
Chamango



Jun 12, 2018

combat gear red

of
 course it is about staying in this seemingly thin line between the light / known/ stability and darkness / chaos / creation. Of course it is about making it as wide as possible and make our lives easier. And of course it is about just trying to stay on the path and not about reaching somewhere.
One foot in the light and one foot in the darkness.
But I am coming from the chaos and it was always my stronger side. Being there a lot made me realize that nothing truly new can come from the light.
I know that I am not the one who will deliver novels to the people. I am supposed to be the one who stands in front of  1000 writers and gives them sparks for what they do not have.
I am from the chaos and that is why my loneliness kicks so hard. When my sparks do not come out, when they are not taken seriously or understood, the war inside me just becomes bigger and more absurd.
That is why I put the black mirror in front of my face sometimes- to protect myself from the world that rarely ever fails to make me feel lonely.


Now when our love is doomed / You are the only thing worth fighting for

There was a moment when I was holding her hand and fell deep into my thoughts. Once returned, without moving or opening my eyes, I could not tell which hand is mine. Could not feel it in any way.
Made  realize that we are not our bodies and where we are / where can we be.
So I used it to observe how to make love. And it can be learned.
It is about rerouting all your inner paths. It is about staying present only between your legs and let that feeling grow like the sun. And it does not make irrelevant who are you making love with. Actually, it is more important than we think so, but for completely different reasons we hold important : it is the canvas, starting, moving and ending point, where the image of what your lover truly is giving an anchor to your perception of yourself.
And one more thing : this is one of few, if not the only thing - where you cannot be completed without the other person. Practically: without being completely on my animalistic male side, without her complete surrender in bed - I cannot receive my feminine side  - and I remain frustrate without knowing what goes wrong. Without her love and belief in me (in bed) I can`t make peace with my feminine qualities .



Now that we established

that we are not playing power games, that we are not here to manipulate or win over each other ; we can do the best thing :
to give what we truly are, not what we want to be or what we are expected to be - my biggest gift to you is to give you what I really am.


Aren`t we dead to some extent ?

I remembered myself as 2-3 years old kid and the morning when my mother was taking me home from the city. I remembered that I was quite mad at her, because she was forcing me to walk carry me in her arms. Poor mother had hands full of groceries, but I saw it only as an excuse.
And I remember the feeling and the perception of the moment. It was time when my senses were working ,but I didn`t fully develop their separate interpretations in my mind. All was processed by one, universal sense. At that time - vision, hearing, smell etc,- they were all processed by that universal sense, that got weaker over time. I don-t know much, but I know that I lost that feeling of the magic, when other senses finally started to separate, become more clear, and made me an intelligent (ha!) person.
There are lot more senses than those that we know. People who have those senses are able to manipulate reality and make happen everything the can think of. Why are we not aware of them ? - Because we are not in the same realm. Because our realm is barely a shadow of that realm, where everything is full of perception, meanings and happiness. So what is this realm where we live ? It is death, because as it appears soul can`t die. Doesn`t sound very cheerful , but yes, it appears we already died.
Btw, at some point there was a person (we love to call ourselves human) who was able to manifest or make happen the things he didn`t even think of. That is how he became God and made all other times irrelevant.


Jun 7, 2018

it is the other way around

Religion, spirituality, philosophy.... it is all the same thing.
We are disrupting the natural flow of perfection by trying to control it.
Over the time people are becoming more numb to inside questions, just trying to catch materialistic or other shallow goals, and that it how it should be ! Over the time, numbness will become so big that it will implode and all that is left will be the pure essence of the being. Or soul if you like.
Reaching the truth completely is only possible when you don`t force to reach it. That only obscures your mirror.
And btw, I am not OK. I behave and think completely differently that I did one year ago. I developed rampant depression and I would really need to start taking some treatment. But isn`t it obvious from my posts ?  :)


ongoing

Was a long way to reach the point when I realized it`s all a story told by the story, but I`ll try to say how did I get there.

I was thinking about some deep, hurtful and frightening thing for me. What I understood is that the bottom of all of them is the not being willing to die. Then I stopped:
- It can`t be true, because I know myself and I know how strong is my desire to die.
But then I really looked and I saw that the part of me that is afraid to die is much smaller, a bit ~old-fashioned~ and solid and that I believe that real me is the part that wants to die, because it is much bigger. But being bigger doesn`t mean true : my bigger part is empty, not really existing and made of
the stories, patterns and simplifications I made about what I am and what is my life. But basically- it is just an empty balloon.
So if I am aware of what I am not, I can focus on what I am. Using this simple tool, just separating everything by the question - Is this the part that is not willing to die ? - I was able to see how massive are illusions I occupy myself with.

Silver bullet - Scara B

addition to the silver bullet :

There is no proper way that I can see. I can see my old friend Samir, my father or some other people, who - after receiving the hurt from being open and looking for understanding - decided to shut down completely and not let be fooled or hurt ever again. I can see them making the mask over time, the mask that started to be alive and solid. After some time they completely adjusted and fit into the mask. They grew weak and almost liquid beneath the mask, which makes it impossible to be anything else but the mask you are wearing.
So what is there ? Letting yourself being destroyed by the silver bullet or letting yourself slowly suffocate what your soul is ?


The story of all there is

All there is, is a story that is being told from the story. I received a help from the story, to see myself as an separated observer of it, knowing that it is just a tool, because there is only a story and nothing else. Story is there because while it is being told, it exists.
The story gets awareness by being told, and that is the only thing that is not absurd nothing. The story is growing, spreading branches, developing, moving in all directions, yet stays linear and reappearing.
I am the same as the story and I can see that on some levels I am like an eager reader, selecting some stories, like selecting some nicely placed cylinders that are slowly rolling, and looking at it, to fill myself inside.
I see that the story is growing, improving, getting more detailed, that there are many many stories inside, happening all at the same time. I saw what they are made of and what they are producing, saw that all of them have unique composition, like specific pattern of colours, and that they are all needed.
I saw that stories are to be seen when it is needed and that all the lack of some colours that are in some stories are there simply to emphasize how beautiful and precious those colours are.
I saw that I am the same as the story and the same as one of the actors. I am there in many little stories, playing slightly different roles, but always being me. I saw how simple this pattern is and that we all play similar roles for the most of the time. Sometimes there is no perfect role for you in the new story emerging and you play something else, but generally, it is repetition of the same core that repeats over and over again, until it becomes perfected. That is one of the most calming thing I saw - it gets tough and hard to bear, but the story you are in has already happened many times, and in this moment - it is much better than it was ever before.
There is much more there, but my limited way of expressing is not allowing me to explain it.
What I know is that the story, which is also me, is so alive and huge that the God wants it to become a part of him. And it is in the process of negotiation, because the story doesn`t need anything.
And there are moments in real life when you can feel this happening. Those shifts in time, when you feel you are unaware and just slight rips in timeline, before story patches itself.
The biggest moment of awareness is when you say - I can`t believe that I let this happen - . It is a door to knowing that you are the storyteller, everything that is happening is your choice and your doing and that although you don`t know why, feeling that the story you lead should be more calm and easy, you know that this is what you wanted.
I went deeper, knowing that I can influence this story, making it lot less painful, but I saw that messing with it would disrupt all there is, that going into the fabric of existence and messing it from the level of an actor, would only bring impossibilities in.


Silver bullet

We all have deep inside us that vampire that is always seeking for the silver bullet. It is because we crave to prove to ourselves our immortality. It is because we desperately want to believe in our indestructibility. Most of us never get enough of the courage to openly walk to it, but those of us who do, eventually realize how dangerous it is.
After finding my silver bullet, after letting it pierce through me, after opening myself to prove some silly strength  that I have - I can see how deep is this devastation. Not only that immortality proves to be just a cruel joke, but what is worse - it opens doors to realization of the path that is parallel to all impossibilities the universe is made of.
It is too hard to bear and there is no escape. Full scale of the absurd is much scarier that any image of the hell that people made.
Bless you unaware people. I envy you and I can cry because I love your lives. We are all parts of the same story and I can see that existence goes on through your ignorance, even when my own existence is complete absurd.
To live is to always stay in the moment. It is like a killer from the Doors song : there is a moment when he is all-powerful, calm an immensely strong - it is the moment when he walks down the hallway to his father and mother`s room, after already visited rooms of his brother and sister.

 


Jun 5, 2018

Urziceni

I held your hand in mine. You were holding me very tightly, with surprising strength.
Then I saw more.
I saw that your hand is not fingers and skin: it was metal - spikes that are piercing through my skin and preventing me to move. I felt trapped, betrayed and disappointed.
Then I saw more.
I looked at what I am. At first it was just a blurry brownish and gray image beyond the spikes, but my eyes went deeper. I saw that I am a concrete slab, thick one, like some balcony and that those metal red spikes are actually holding me. They are iron that prevents me to drop in what was still blurry in this mage. I looked deeper to see what it is and I saw it : it was the whole world in ruins. Ruins of the countless buildings, like Warsaw after WWII or Mosul, but on gigantic scale.
I felt like an idiot : now I saw that you are not the guardian of my jail, but the only thing that holds me not to merge into dusty, devastating chaos around me.
Then I saw more.
I looked deeper into ruins and I saw them in different way. There were no fallen buildings anymore. It was rock covered with moss and grass, there were trees and birds, sounds and sun rays, but when I moved closer, I saw that in the center of it, there is immensely  deep abyss and all of that beauty and life around is just emphasizing how threatening the abyss is.
I looked back to see where we are in this. And as I was slowly turning around and looking up, I saw myself first. The concrete slab is actually very strong and deeply merged with the rocks that are the walls of the abyss. I looked up and I saw you, metal rods, not holding onto anything, only being attached to this piece of concrete.
And I realized that I`m the only thing that stands between you and the abyss.

Different view, different feelings, but when they are complete - what I feel is that there are different frequencies and levels, but we are strong as individuals - much stringers than we think we are- and at the same time, we are saving each others soul on levels that are essential.

Report back at the dawn

01.06.18. Sl

unusual habit of taking hostages,
to sleep with your mirror
report back at the dawn:
if you think you`re not meant to sell rotten oranges-
try driving Panama
 while down on your knees

Afraid of the theater and muted for villagers
I`m wearing my hat
without wearing my head:
before all the pain, before all the innocence,
there are children on bicycles
toothbrushes among leaves


May 27, 2018

We all need heavy drugs

And what an agony is when our fading memories of the past and our highly subjective perception of the now clashes with the memory we constructed about the non-existent future, making it appear absurd and impossible.
But every day is the proof the impossible becomes reality.
There is no peace within until we see the end of the inner war. Ignoring it as something that is blocking is, or trying to solve it fast, makes it go on and on. That war, just like all real wars, ends when it ends. You are defeated simply by being in it.
No escape. No meaning in running to get on to get of the sinking ship.
Take another cigarette.

  

May 3, 2018

Functioning

I am better now.
Just had to admit to myself that you cant expect too much from people and that bright moments can never be transferred as prolonged periods of happiness. Life sucks. Lets move on.
Gonna try to do what is the best for my preservation. Gonna try to dismantle this insanity so that one day I will be able to feel relieved if I survive this extremely expensive failure. Expensive in every regard.
Money and power rocks the world. Try to never be in position that you are too much relying on someone my nonexistent reader. There is nothing to learn from me except that.

Armless

How can I cross the bridge if I am not allowed to go over the river ?
How strong and honest I have to be if you want me to lie I will be fine ?
How can I rise when I am keep being judged by the photo where I am drunk with insecurity and poison within me ?
How can I ask forgiveness knowing it will never be granted ?
How can I sleep when my nerves are burning feeling you beside me ?
How can I eat when I cant feel myself ?
How am I still sane after all these nights I cant bear with ? Or am I sane ?
How much more can I doubt myself until I finally collapse within ?
What is true ? Where am I ? Is this really happening ?



Nightmarica

Realized that I love this tiny apartment. I love this shiny floor, love bowls we use to eat, love her make up all around the place, love colour of tiles in the kitchen, love going out in the morning to drink coffee and let her sleep, love seeing her smile when she comes from work and I wait for her in front of the building, love flowers under the bright sun near the cathedral, love how sellers in shops see me as funny foreigner, love how this country doesnt feel like a burden to me,love her little hand in mine,love her eyes that are sparkling and love her above anything I taught I can feel.
And it is all over now.
I will fight for survival till the rest of my life and I will start to hate everything that I love and see precious now. This loss is the failure that I cant bear with.
And she even loves me. But she wants me to go.