Feb 20, 2018

How to live and where can it be found (by Chamango)

The more I observe, more obvious it looks like that there are only two ways to live : either you live in fear, either you don't take life too seriously.
And I see too much of fear in people.
Also, humor is the best way to explain life, because it uses the same resources as happiness :
The most funny things are those that are completely unexpected, completely simple, spontaneous and effortless.
Don't try more than it's necessary. Don't be afraid. Don't pretend you're something you aren't. Accept differences. Be free. Make love as soon as you wake up.


Feb 19, 2018

I know nothing

I know how it feels when you are one of the best pupils throughout entire education. When everyone admires you and know that you will be someone. And fail miserably. And be the worst regarding having any carrier.
I know how it feels when you lose your mother because she couldn-t take any longer being scared for your life. To lose one who devoted her life to me, leaving before I could show her how much I am grateful.
I know how it feels when you are wounded, when they don-t have any painkillers so they clean your wound -on dry- I know how it feels when every of your muscles is strained from pain.
I know how it is not to be able to use your leg for half of the year, and walk while your wound is still draining.
I know how it feels to be 18 and in grotesque war. To be scared for life on every given second for 3 years, meanwhile taking care of your father who just gave up.
I know how it feels when you just can-t go on and simply want just to get down in the snow and fall asleep.
I know how it feels when you prefer to risk and probably die, than continue to suffer.
I know how it feel when you are freezing for hours, days, months..years
I know how it feels when the best years of your yooth are spent in the haze of blood, mud and explosive vapors.
I know how it feels when you have a family, wife who loves you are respects you, son that is litterary an apple of your eye, your own comfortable home and job that pays well and makes you feel fulfilled - and slowly lose it all.
I know how it is to start your own small business, do everything to make it work and finally just end up in debts.
I know how it feels when your newborn daughter is in incubator, with 10 tubes attached to her fragile body, to visit her for 4 days, until they tell you that there is no need to come anymore.
I know how it feels when you are asked where precisely is her body in the grave, because they will make concrete edges for a small grave and I-m the only one who knows where her body preciselly is/ because I laid her in the grave with my own hands.
I know how it feels when you are hungry and sick, but you have to get up and move on, because nobody will come to help you.
I know how it feels to wake up at 5, to go to work for people who doesn-t see a person in you.
I know how it feels when you say goodbye to your best friend and have nobody that can replace him.
But I also know many usefull things that most of the people will never know. And I did many things that most of the people can never achieve.
I also know how it feels to keep memory of your mother and smile when you see her smile inside you.
I also know how it feels when there is no pain, no fear, no suffering. I know how to appreciate being peaceful and calm.
I also know how it feels when you have no fear from men, no fear from death. I know how it feels to be free.
I also know how to love and respect people who love and respect me, always trying to give as twice as much I receive.
I also know how fragile and precious life is and how sad are days wasted in not giving yourself.
I also know how it feels to forgive, to forget, to avoid people who are not worth your time.
I know how to love and how to live.
Yet, I know nothing.






Feb 15, 2018

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Winter is the kitchen sponge made from glass spears.
Wind like a scream heard down from the valley.
And branches of a tree
dry but not frozen,
reach for the sky.-
Where is my sun ?

Rust on the roofs of all these nameless houses.
Snow like reminder of footsteps in the dark.
Clouds are all hidden,
gray sky falls on eyes ;
Fire my friend -
where is my sun ?


Feb 8, 2018

Starving Whales

In the bushes
snow-white lions
penta liliac on the shirt
You and I and your mother's husband
drowned in wisdom
paining smile
Screw the morning
chaining coffees
lights brought down in deepest mine
Sun is up
I'm breeding people
Show me tits
and fuck my mind


Feb 7, 2018

Burning child

A snake gets through my open mouth and finds a way through my skull to eat my eye from the inside. I am numb, watching a dog's head in the forest on a heap of moss. I only see his head. His eyes are yellow and blazing with yellow flame. His whole head is in the color of surrounding trees and fallen leaves. And I'm not afraid, because I know he's dead.
I can feel he's in agony, but then he exhales, closes his eyes, and rots within few seconds. Only one half of his head is rotten, but nobody could see it there except me, because he rotted from the fire inside, melting into surroundings.
Meanwhile, a rat is leaning down my forehead to bite off my nose.


Feb 6, 2018

Minus days


Another round of chain smoking, throwing up and sitting in darkness. Another round of inability to function and complete desire to see any other human being ever again.
This is my thing. At least in this my wish will be the last one.

My purpose

Today while I was walking, I saw my brother in a car, stopping at the red light. I approached him and we could only speak until the green light appeared, but it was more than enough.
We didn't have time for pride or bullshit and our smiles were genuine. Despite not being able to communicate, despite all the not-care and false memories, we will always love each other.
This is what I heard many times : " You are a good man and that's why I don't understand this. "
Made me think and I know now.



Stream bank

Fisherman usually ends up drawn in the water,
Temples collapse from money and devotion ;
I'm holding the cards in my frozen hands,
Sleeping is prohibited on this side of the ocean.

Pianist is usually found crushed under piano,
Just a pile of blood, without any motion,
Dogs roam around, waiting for sunflowers,
Sleeping is prohibited on this side of the ocean.






Feb 1, 2018

What are you ?

You are not fire. Fire hypnotizes my eyes but burns my fingers when I touch it ; my fingers burn always when I'm not touching you.
You are not water. Water hypnotizes me but when you fall into the water and don't know how to swim, you drawn ; I fell for you without knowing anything about you, yet I drawn only when I try to swim.
You are not the earth. One walks over earth throughout entire life, until he's finally buried and covered with earth ; I will never walk over you and I feel alive only when my face is buried in your hair.
So I guess you are like the air. Even when I don't see or hear you, I feel you and without you I can't really breathe. I breathe and you are inside my lungs and in my blood. Inside every cell of my body, inside every story inside of my mind, inside love that connects my soul to myself.
You are my brown sunflower.


Jan 29, 2018

Who am I to reject what I know ?

Who am I to see only anger and blindness in eyes that radiate light on me ?
Who am I to hear nagging in voice of the one who woke up to see me ?
Who am I to smell her fear and throw stones instead of hugging her ?
Nothing but a little man that's afraid.
Who am I when I smile to you and kiss you on the forehead ?
Who am I when I break the arms of everything that might hurt you ?
Who am I when I give and just want to give you more ?
Everything and a man that you love.

One of these days we will wake up together and we will be sure that the real dream has just begun


until then

your Ursul Poetescu




Jan 28, 2018

Ƨʍɑu ƨouმ

  If I would have any consistency inside me, I'd say that the post "Here" I made on January 3rd is my peak and everything I say after that is arrogance.
  "Here" is what I am. ⊥µ!ƨ ʍoʁꞁq qoөƨu'ʇ qөƨөʁ٨ө !ʇ.. But I'll let it stay there, ʜoqinǫ ƚʜɒƚ onɘ bɒy ƨomɘonɘ will unbɘɿƨƚɒnb wʜɒƚ I wɒƨ.. At least that.
   I should stop whining now and get back to work. That pays bills.


Reven





Jan 26, 2018

Some would say that monkeys can't find water

Every man who ever lived was, at the time he/she was alive, living it the most advanced time of the history of the mankind.
This world, as it is, resembles a very confusing movie. Those who are great actors, get the most of it. If you don't want to act, just refuse the role that is given to you and do your own thing.


Jan 25, 2018

- 125 : disintegration

Deepest pits of sorrow.
Death is much better than this.
It depraves you of even basic human instincts and you are expected to "snap out" and be strong, while the shame of being weak drags you even deeper. More you need strength, weaker you are ; more you need help, more anger and coldness you receive.
It depraves you of even basic human instincts. I forced myself to wash my face, but can't brush my teeth, can't change clothes, can't do anything except smoking with occasional outburst of crying and self-pity. Can't eat , my libido is non-existent : I was usually very sexual person, but now I'm completely asexual. Self- preservation is also gone ; I didn't take my pills for high-blood pressure and I don't see any point in taking them. I don't care.
And I'm disgusted by myself. I sit with my back completely bent, like all of those people defeated by life.
I guess that I faked all my life that I am clever, guess I searched for true connection that's not possible. I must pay for it with my life. Looking forward to it.
Such profound sorrow. Cold day. Betrayal.



I'm OK

Unjustified cruelty is one of the most inhuman things. It is paralyzing.
Like it's not enough to suffer, but you also can't escape it, because your sincere friends know about you and your shame is stopping you from going out.
All the pity that will fall upon me is just another unbearable thing.
Even my dreams are pathetic now.
Yesterday I forgot to eat. Completely forgot to eat. I'm not fine.